It seems I've come full circle. If you have been following this blog you know the last year has been a bit of a struggle for me. I hit a wall and felt quite lost. I was feeling very confined by the walls I had built myself with my diet and exercise regimen. It had reached what I felt to be an unhealthy level, and I craved normalcy, and balance. I couldn't continue the way I was living.
The last year was full of soul searching and reading and thinking and crying and whining and now I feel I have finally found a resolution of sorts.
So here I am back on the proverbial wagon. Working out, eating healthy and honestly feeling good. I'm in a happy place with my decision but getting here wasn't easy.
What I've learned and accepted about myself....
As hard as I try I cannot be happy with my body as it is. I honestly tried to fully immerse myself in the whole body positive movement,. I started following "plus size" models on Instagram instead of body builders, I read books and blogs on loving yourself and letting go of the idea of "perfect." And while all of this helped me find a little bit of comfort, it just didn't change years of messages to the contrary. I find that while I accept all body types and find so many bodies beautiful, the same acceptance I give others is simply not applying to me. Perhaps it is because the movement is still so slow to take hold, perhaps it is because there is a "type" of overweight that seems acceptable (curvy/hourglass with big boobs). Perhaps it simply too many years of society brainwashing me into believing that thin and airbrushed is the ideal. It's probably all of it, but it doesn't matter, the hard truth is I can't let it go, and I can't accept my body this way.
I am a control freak, I think deep down we all are in our own way. It's how I handle life, stress, uncertainty. While I cannot control most things, I can control what I eat which is part of my issue. When the world feels chaotic food is my go to remedy. I am an emotional eater. I attempted intuitive eating, but the truth is I was unprepared to allow my brain and body to guide me. I have screwed the system up so badly in the last 30 years that rewiring and learning to truly listen is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It is literally like asking a 3 year old to control their emotions. They hardly have a grasp on their world much less their reaction to it. I'm sure with time and therapy or something I could eventually get my shit together, but honestly it's faster and easier to "parent" myself and give myself guidelines and rules. Plus it feeds into my need to control which makes me feel calmer, so that's a bonus. When I was trying to be intuitive I felt out of control and I was always anxious. My goal is to figure out how to have a little more balance and give within my guidelines so that I don't end up where I was a year ago.
When I eat well and workout I feel so much better! I started trying to lose the extra 15 lbs I gained about a month ago and the first week I dropped 5 lbs, but then gained back 3 the second week. Then I just plateaued. I was pissed . I felt immediate defeat and frustration and the old feelings of guilt and resentment started to return. But I sat down and really looked at the last 3 weeks, while I hadn't lost the weight I hoped, I felt so much better. I felt healthier, calmer, and happier. So I kept going. Christmas came and basically squashed my sugar craving (like when your parents found you smoking and made you smoke the whole pack till you were sick). I was relieved when it was over and I realized, this is what I want. I want to feel healthy and happy.
How will it be different this time?
I don't care much about the scale. I don't even want to know what I weigh. I am going for a feeling, I want to feel strong, healthy, happy, in control of my life and my body. I also want to feel my pants getting looser. I want to see changes in my body, tightening and toning.
I am not expecting miracles. I know what I'm capable of, and I know what it takes to get myself where I want to be. That means I am realistic about what I am willing to do and what I am not.
I am setting realistic boundaries for myself and I can tell I'm less obsessed this time around. While the last year may not have caused a complete 180 shift for me, it was a huge step in the right direction for my mental health and helped give me some clarity.
#1 What do I want?
I want to to be fit, I want to be strong, I want to be happier with my body, and I want to feel more control in my life. I want to feel the way I did when I could buy new clothes without wanting to cry. I want to be able to keep up with my fit friends and I want to look good!
#2 Why?
To feel less anxious and depressed. To feel sexy, and happier with my body. To regain control of my life. To not be embarrassed when I go to the doctor, to not cry in her office because I'm disappointed in myself. To set a good example for my daughter and to help her create healthy habits for her life.
#3 How?
I will work out 4-6 times a week, mixing it up so I change myself and don't get bored. I will follow a 90/10 rule. 90% of what goes into my body will be healthy and whole, and I will leave 10% for the rest. I will work on cutting my sugar cravings, and continue to try and find other ways to reduce stress instead of turning to food.
Motivate
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Monday, March 21, 2016
Finding Balance Part II
Finding balance, that's what we all strive for right? Balance between work and home, between kids and spouse, between starving and splurging, etc. I have this idea that balance has to be achievable when it comes to being fit and maintaining a healthy weight. I simply can't accept the that it has to be an either or situation. Moderation is key right?
But what about all the messages we see all the time? How can we rectify a balanced approach with the world telling us "Push past your comfort zone," "Don't quit," "Unless you puke, faint, or die, don't give up!" (My goodness that last one is pretty intense). If I listen to these voices I think I have to power through even if it's hurting, like legitimately hurting. I have to keep going even if I'm tired, even if I'm sick, even if I'm struggling to just keep my head above water.
The thing is we have to say no sometimes. Sometimes our bodies do need rest! Sometimes we do need to take it easy. Sometimes we have to stop a workout halfway through, sometimes we may not even start. And that is ok. There is a huge difference between consistently giving up on things you start, and saying "not today"," when you need to.
Being active should be a part of your life. We are not meant to be sedentary. These days we spend so much time sitting, that we need to make that time to be active. It's good for your heart, your lungs, your circulation, your mood. You need it, so do it. Take a walk, take a hike, ride your bike, go for a swim, run, ski, do yoga, anything, just get up and move.
Eating healthy foods is important too. I don't know about you but when I eat crap, I feel like crap. My body works so much better when I feed it good nutritious, foods. I literally get headaches, body aches, and congestion when I eat certain things, and I feel sleepy, anxious, and bloated. It's not fun!
So eating well, and being active make me feel good, and I want to feel good. That's the whole point of having balance, to feel good, to have less stress and to be happy.
For me being unbalanced is pushing to extremes. Depriving myself. Forcing myself into a mold that I don't fit into. It also means being completely and utterly lazy, eating foods that make me feel sick, and stuffing myself beyond my true limits.
The middle ground, the balanced area, is eating good foods, but being able to say yes to a small slice of cake, or a cookie. Being a able to have a beer with my friends. It means going for a run, hiking with my husband, waking up early to do yoga because it stars my day out right. Balance means listening to my body and treating it right.
Balance doesn't mean I quit, it's the opposite actually, it means I'm still trying, still listening, still improving myself each day. I still have goals. I am still working towards a goal, the goal is balance and believe it or not that is a hard goal! If moderation was an easy concept we would all be fit and healthy! Listening to my body is harder than counting calories, it's harder than measuring, it means I have to trust myself and really tune into my body. If I had been good at that I wouldn't be where I am. I never would have weighed 270 pounds.
I hope you can find balance in your life, whatever that means to you. And I hope you find peace in the process. I'm still working towards it optimistically.
But what about all the messages we see all the time? How can we rectify a balanced approach with the world telling us "Push past your comfort zone," "Don't quit," "Unless you puke, faint, or die, don't give up!" (My goodness that last one is pretty intense). If I listen to these voices I think I have to power through even if it's hurting, like legitimately hurting. I have to keep going even if I'm tired, even if I'm sick, even if I'm struggling to just keep my head above water.
The thing is we have to say no sometimes. Sometimes our bodies do need rest! Sometimes we do need to take it easy. Sometimes we have to stop a workout halfway through, sometimes we may not even start. And that is ok. There is a huge difference between consistently giving up on things you start, and saying "not today"," when you need to.
Being active should be a part of your life. We are not meant to be sedentary. These days we spend so much time sitting, that we need to make that time to be active. It's good for your heart, your lungs, your circulation, your mood. You need it, so do it. Take a walk, take a hike, ride your bike, go for a swim, run, ski, do yoga, anything, just get up and move.
Eating healthy foods is important too. I don't know about you but when I eat crap, I feel like crap. My body works so much better when I feed it good nutritious, foods. I literally get headaches, body aches, and congestion when I eat certain things, and I feel sleepy, anxious, and bloated. It's not fun!
So eating well, and being active make me feel good, and I want to feel good. That's the whole point of having balance, to feel good, to have less stress and to be happy.
For me being unbalanced is pushing to extremes. Depriving myself. Forcing myself into a mold that I don't fit into. It also means being completely and utterly lazy, eating foods that make me feel sick, and stuffing myself beyond my true limits.
The middle ground, the balanced area, is eating good foods, but being able to say yes to a small slice of cake, or a cookie. Being a able to have a beer with my friends. It means going for a run, hiking with my husband, waking up early to do yoga because it stars my day out right. Balance means listening to my body and treating it right.
Balance doesn't mean I quit, it's the opposite actually, it means I'm still trying, still listening, still improving myself each day. I still have goals. I am still working towards a goal, the goal is balance and believe it or not that is a hard goal! If moderation was an easy concept we would all be fit and healthy! Listening to my body is harder than counting calories, it's harder than measuring, it means I have to trust myself and really tune into my body. If I had been good at that I wouldn't be where I am. I never would have weighed 270 pounds.
I hope you can find balance in your life, whatever that means to you. And I hope you find peace in the process. I'm still working towards it optimistically.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Looks aren't everything...
Today I watched a TED talk by model Cameron Russell. She talked about the questions people ask her as a model and opened up about her insecurities. One of her last statements really resonated with me "I am insecure, and I am insecure because I have to think about what I look like every day.... you just need to meet a group of models because they have the thinnest thighs, the skinniest hair, the coolest clothes, but they are the most physically insecure women, probably, on the planet."
It hit close to home, not because I am a model, because I am far from it, but it was the reality of her statement. When our lives are focused only on how we look we are bound to be insecure. When my life was focused on every bite and each workout, trying to push myself to have the "perfect" physique I was more anxious and unhappy than ever.
But I think the saddest part of her statement is that it isn't confined to models. Of course it is a models job to look good, but I would venture to say in our society it is considered all women's jobs to look good. We live in a very unforgiving society where our waist line is the measuring stick for our worth. This means no matter what we look like, we feel like we are not good enough. If those that fit the ideal beauty standards (models) are insecure what does that tell us?
The take away is, of course, that your appearance is a small part of who you are. And that if you don't find joy and happiness in life outside of that, no amount of weight loss, or makeup, or plastic surgery, etc. will make you happier.
It hit close to home, not because I am a model, because I am far from it, but it was the reality of her statement. When our lives are focused only on how we look we are bound to be insecure. When my life was focused on every bite and each workout, trying to push myself to have the "perfect" physique I was more anxious and unhappy than ever.
But I think the saddest part of her statement is that it isn't confined to models. Of course it is a models job to look good, but I would venture to say in our society it is considered all women's jobs to look good. We live in a very unforgiving society where our waist line is the measuring stick for our worth. This means no matter what we look like, we feel like we are not good enough. If those that fit the ideal beauty standards (models) are insecure what does that tell us?
The take away is, of course, that your appearance is a small part of who you are. And that if you don't find joy and happiness in life outside of that, no amount of weight loss, or makeup, or plastic surgery, etc. will make you happier.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
More reflection...
Throughout this Piyo challenge I have been reminded of a few truths I have learned in the last 3 years. I also learned that I still have a long way to go to reach my goals. I learned that the battle I am fighting is so much bigger than I imagined. Even after 3 years of avid workouts, and tracking my foods and changing my life, I am still fighting the same battles deep down that I have been fighting my whole life. And it's not me! It's society. It's the constant pressure and expectations
I feel from outside myself that have been internalized and I am having a hard time letting go of.
I feel from outside myself that have been internalized and I am having a hard time letting go of.
At this pointing my life I have shifted my focus, my goals have changed. Initially it was to lose weight, to be thin, to fit into a size 8, to weigh 150 pounds. It was very much about appearance. Throughout the process I lost weight, and gained strength and perspective. I am happier and healthier now and I want to stay that way, but my "why" is changing. That transition from the "be thin and sexy" why to a new "why" has been a tough transition.
In my attempt to see the changes I want in the mirror I felt I lost myself. I reached a point where what I was seeing became distorted and blurred. The only other time in my life I felt that way was when I was 17 and I was struggling with an eating disorder. I couldn't see myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a person who was not good enough. Not perfect enough, not thin enough. As a result I have literally no memory of that person. It was as if I wasn't even there. I see pictures and I think, who was that girl? Was that really me? I don't remember her, because I literally did not see that person looking back at me. That is a dangerous place to be. And that is the same sensation I get thinking back to 18 months ago when I was obsessing, and counting, and working out religiously. That was why I stopped. I saw the chaos, and decided to end it.
So here I am, slightly heavier, a little softer, a bit more relaxed, but not necessarily happier. I hoped I would find that happiness I was losing in my obsession, but the truth is the unhappiness has simply shifted. Instead of being unhappy because I feel deprived and stuck in rigidity, I am unhappy because I feel I have let myself go, and my body is not good enough.
The battle I'm really facing isn't the extra padding, it isn't the extra pounds. The real battle is loving and accepting my body for what it is, and what it can do. As girls we have been raised to believe our appearance is the most important part of who we are. It is what is used to measure our value. We are surrounded by images of "perfection." Our innocent and impressionable minds are molded by a society that had determined the only women of value are those that resemble a Victoria's Secret model. So we starve, and we workout, and we attempt to shrink ourselves to fit that mold. This message is so powerful and so forceful that it is drowning us. With the recent push of the body positive movement we are seeing a shift, but it's still superficial. Even as we learn to accept and appreciate the new message that "all shapes and sizes are beautiful," I think we still believe this message does not apply to us personally. We still desire to be what we have been told we need to be our whole lives. Thin.
Every day I have to fight the urge to shame myself, to accept what I see in the mirror and to remember that I am not a body. I have a body, but I am not that body. I am my mind, my personality, my dreams my goals, my achievements. I am so much more than a pants size or a number on the scale. I am more than stretch marks, or fat rolls.
I am on a mission to be healthy, to feel good, to be strong, and to love my body of what it is. I want to be active, I want to be fit. I like how I feel when I eat right, and when I am active. So I want to continue those things. So why I am I doing this? To be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to look in the mirror and say "You are enough."
I am working on my relationship with food. For me that means listening to my body. For years I counted and measured, and in some ways it did help me to recognize cravings, and when my body was full, and what foods made me feel good. But I don't want a life of measuring cups, diet apps, and scales. I want an effortless life, where what I eat and how much I eat is dictated by my body. I really believe it should not be as complex as we make it. Our bodies know, and the reason we are struggling with weight, is because we are not listening to it. I know that is definitely the case for me.
The struggle is real! It is hard to listen. It is difficult to stop overriding your mind and break years of bad habits. It is difficult to face emotional eating, and it is difficult to make new habits, but I want it. Why? Because I want to be happy.
I encourage you to think about your "Why." To really assess where you are, and why you are there. Think about what you want, and why you want it. Are you happy? Are you enjoying your life? If not, why? I also encourage you to listen to your body. If it doesn't feel right, whatever "it" is, stop doing it. You have one life. Just one. Make sure you are happy.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Reflecting
This has been a crazy week at work. Ended yesterday at 3:00 with 60 hours. So happy to have things slow down at work. I'm still tired and trying to catch up, taking a day off today to just breath.
I've been reflecting on things. The stress of work the last two week lead to a lot of eating/drinking things that are not good for me. Of course those things made me feel worse, but somehow I had myself convinced they were going to make me feel better... our brains are pretty interesting, the habits we have cultivated for ourselves are powerful. I have myself convinced that "comfort foods" will ease the stress when in reality they make me more tired and stress my body out more! But I somehow operate in direct opposition to what I know is good for me.
I know I am not speaking for myself alone when I say the relationship we have with for is often our biggest obstacle when we are trying to be healthy and/or lose weight. In a conversation with my husband I theorized that part of my issue is that I go fast and hard into an eating plan and I end up feeling deprived. Then I slide into old habits and start eating those foods I have deemed as "evil" or unacceptable, and I feel bad, both emotionally and physically, because I start to over indulge. Then I 180 right back into my health mode and it starts all over again. The cycle has been playing out like this for about a year now.
I am desperately trying to find some balance, and really figure out where I want to be. It's such a challenge. The body I want, and the eating habits I want to have aren't compatible, so it's been difficult to find stability and consistency.
What I do know is that deprivation doesn't work. If I feel deprived at some point I'm going to fall off the wagon. Overindulging doesn't work. I feel sick and sluggish and I gain weight of course. I want to be strong, I want to be fit. I want to run, hike, bike, and do burpees with ease. I want to feel strong, I want to feel like a woman warrior!
What I really want is for the guilt associated with food to end. I want to find that healthy balance we are all searching for. I never imagined the journey would be so long, and ongoing. I really thought after a certain amount of time I would simply be a new person, with new habits and I would just feel differently. And I do to some extent, but it's not the total transformation I expected. The journey continues as I change and grow, and life changes. Adapting to new situations, and the curve balls life throws you affects the journey. I think the key is to love yourself and be gentle with yourself. Accept where you are and work towards what you want remembering that you are doing your best, and life can be hard. Be happy! Smile, enjoy your life. In the end I highly doubt any of us will look back and wish we'd fit into that size 5. I think we will look back and wish we'd had fun, wish we'd been present, wish we'd taken risks, and enjoyed the journey.
I've been reflecting on things. The stress of work the last two week lead to a lot of eating/drinking things that are not good for me. Of course those things made me feel worse, but somehow I had myself convinced they were going to make me feel better... our brains are pretty interesting, the habits we have cultivated for ourselves are powerful. I have myself convinced that "comfort foods" will ease the stress when in reality they make me more tired and stress my body out more! But I somehow operate in direct opposition to what I know is good for me.
I know I am not speaking for myself alone when I say the relationship we have with for is often our biggest obstacle when we are trying to be healthy and/or lose weight. In a conversation with my husband I theorized that part of my issue is that I go fast and hard into an eating plan and I end up feeling deprived. Then I slide into old habits and start eating those foods I have deemed as "evil" or unacceptable, and I feel bad, both emotionally and physically, because I start to over indulge. Then I 180 right back into my health mode and it starts all over again. The cycle has been playing out like this for about a year now.
I am desperately trying to find some balance, and really figure out where I want to be. It's such a challenge. The body I want, and the eating habits I want to have aren't compatible, so it's been difficult to find stability and consistency.
What I do know is that deprivation doesn't work. If I feel deprived at some point I'm going to fall off the wagon. Overindulging doesn't work. I feel sick and sluggish and I gain weight of course. I want to be strong, I want to be fit. I want to run, hike, bike, and do burpees with ease. I want to feel strong, I want to feel like a woman warrior!
What I really want is for the guilt associated with food to end. I want to find that healthy balance we are all searching for. I never imagined the journey would be so long, and ongoing. I really thought after a certain amount of time I would simply be a new person, with new habits and I would just feel differently. And I do to some extent, but it's not the total transformation I expected. The journey continues as I change and grow, and life changes. Adapting to new situations, and the curve balls life throws you affects the journey. I think the key is to love yourself and be gentle with yourself. Accept where you are and work towards what you want remembering that you are doing your best, and life can be hard. Be happy! Smile, enjoy your life. In the end I highly doubt any of us will look back and wish we'd fit into that size 5. I think we will look back and wish we'd had fun, wish we'd been present, wish we'd taken risks, and enjoyed the journey.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Treats!
Like I have mentioned previously I am a big fan of sweets, and I love baking so I am always looking for new recipes that will let me have my desserts and not kill my weight loss efforts. Below is a list of my favorites!
Subs:
Use 1 TBS of PB2 instead of peanut butter
Use low fat Vanilla Greek Yogurt instead of plain yogurt
Use 1 TBS of chocolate protein powder instead of cocoa
Skip the Truvia, it's not needed
333 calories, 22 grams of protein
I like to make this a protein packed treat, hence the greek yogurt and protein powder.
I skipped the nutmeg... not my favorite spice
No subs needed
118 calories per cookie
As you can see, I am a big peanut butter chocolate fan :)
Sugar free pudding
Sometimes I add a tablespoon of chocolate chips :)
Otter pops
Old school sweet treat, 4grams of sugar and only 15 calories!
Banana or Apple with peanut butter and chocolate chips and nuts
Love this one!!
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Finding Balance
Today was my anniversary. I told my husband to plan something fun. Remembering that i was dying for a hot dog a few weeks ago he found a gourmet hot dog place in Denver to take me too. It was amazing! I even got a side of fried mac n cheese which i have always wanted to try. then we seen t3 hours wandering around the zoo and opted for some soft serve ice cream. On the way home we stopped to get King Soopers famous chocolate covered strawberries because tomorrow is Valentines and that's the only time they have them.
Why am I telling you this? Because clearly I didn't stick to the eating plan that comes with this 60 day challenge. But I'm not sorry.
Three years ago I started this journey and for two and half years I tracked every bite of food I ate. I missed out on lots of fun things because I was always obsessing over how many calories I consumed. I realized it was getting out of control. It was unhealthy, I was unhappy. I felt like I was trapped in a box I built myself. I hit a breaking point and I couldn't keep counting. I had to just live. At first it was difficult to really let go and not worry about food. But slowly I began to relax and I was able to just exist. I gained little weight back, but I didn't care, I needed to just be. I needed to reassess and find out what I really wanted and how I wanted to live my life.
I wanted to be thin and have the six pack I always dreamed of, but I didn't want to go back to where I had been. I wanted to enjoy food, not dread meal times. I wanted to have a beer with a friend, and not be worrying about how much of a workout I would need to do to work it off later. After lots of thinking and analyzing I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't live my life in a constant attempt to have the "perfect body." If I can't have my dream body and still enjoy my life then I don't want that body.
Today I ate what I wanted and I enjoyed the moment. I enjoyed my life! I didn't worry or count, and I didn't care. I just had fun with the man I love. I don't feel guilt for that deep fried cheesy goodness, I feel balanced. Tonight I will do my normal workout and tomorrow I will go right back to eating super healthy. Finding balance was hard road for me, and it looks different for everyone. I still push myself, I still workout even when I'm tired. I still choose to eat healthy 95% of the time. I like who I feel when I do, and I like who I am when I feel healthy, and that's what I am working for now.
I'm sharing this because I think it's important for us all to find that balance. Push yourself outside of your comfort zone, work for what you want. Be healthy, be active, but don't obsess, don't take it to extremes. If you find yourself becoming unhappy and missing out on life step back and think about what's most important. You have one life, just one. Don't miss it obsessing over the "perfect body." You are perfect just the way you are. Strive for health, strive for a, happier, healthier you.
Why am I telling you this? Because clearly I didn't stick to the eating plan that comes with this 60 day challenge. But I'm not sorry.
Three years ago I started this journey and for two and half years I tracked every bite of food I ate. I missed out on lots of fun things because I was always obsessing over how many calories I consumed. I realized it was getting out of control. It was unhealthy, I was unhappy. I felt like I was trapped in a box I built myself. I hit a breaking point and I couldn't keep counting. I had to just live. At first it was difficult to really let go and not worry about food. But slowly I began to relax and I was able to just exist. I gained little weight back, but I didn't care, I needed to just be. I needed to reassess and find out what I really wanted and how I wanted to live my life.
I wanted to be thin and have the six pack I always dreamed of, but I didn't want to go back to where I had been. I wanted to enjoy food, not dread meal times. I wanted to have a beer with a friend, and not be worrying about how much of a workout I would need to do to work it off later. After lots of thinking and analyzing I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't live my life in a constant attempt to have the "perfect body." If I can't have my dream body and still enjoy my life then I don't want that body.
Today I ate what I wanted and I enjoyed the moment. I enjoyed my life! I didn't worry or count, and I didn't care. I just had fun with the man I love. I don't feel guilt for that deep fried cheesy goodness, I feel balanced. Tonight I will do my normal workout and tomorrow I will go right back to eating super healthy. Finding balance was hard road for me, and it looks different for everyone. I still push myself, I still workout even when I'm tired. I still choose to eat healthy 95% of the time. I like who I feel when I do, and I like who I am when I feel healthy, and that's what I am working for now.
I'm sharing this because I think it's important for us all to find that balance. Push yourself outside of your comfort zone, work for what you want. Be healthy, be active, but don't obsess, don't take it to extremes. If you find yourself becoming unhappy and missing out on life step back and think about what's most important. You have one life, just one. Don't miss it obsessing over the "perfect body." You are perfect just the way you are. Strive for health, strive for a, happier, healthier you.
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