More reflection...

Throughout this Piyo challenge I have been reminded of a few truths I have learned in the last 3 years. I also learned that I still have a long way to go to reach my goals. I learned that the battle I am fighting is so much bigger than I imagined. Even after 3 years of avid workouts, and tracking my foods and changing my life, I am still fighting the same battles deep down that I have been fighting my whole life. And it's not me! It's society. It's the constant pressure and expectations
I feel from outside myself that have been internalized and I am having a hard time letting go of.

At this pointing my life I have shifted my focus, my goals have changed. Initially it was to lose weight, to be thin, to fit into a size 8, to weigh 150 pounds. It was very much about appearance. Throughout the process I lost weight, and gained strength and perspective. I am happier and healthier now and I want to stay that way, but my "why" is changing.  That transition from the "be thin and sexy" why to a new "why" has been a tough transition. 

In my attempt to see the changes I want in the mirror I felt I lost myself. I reached a point where what I was seeing became distorted and blurred. The only other time in my life I felt that way was when I was 17 and I was struggling with an eating disorder. I couldn't see myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a person who was not good enough. Not perfect enough, not thin enough. As a result I have literally no memory of that person. It was as if I wasn't even there. I see pictures and I think, who was that girl? Was that really me? I don't remember her, because I literally did not see that person looking back at me. That is a dangerous place to be. And that is the same sensation I get thinking back to 18 months ago when I was obsessing, and counting, and working out religiously. That was why I stopped. I saw the chaos, and decided to end it. 

So here I am, slightly heavier, a little softer, a bit more relaxed, but not necessarily happier. I hoped I would find that happiness I was losing in my obsession, but the truth is the unhappiness has simply shifted. Instead of being unhappy because I  feel deprived and stuck in rigidity, I am unhappy because I feel I have let myself go, and my body is not good enough. 

The battle I'm really facing isn't the extra padding, it isn't the extra pounds. The real battle is loving and accepting my body for what it is, and what it can do. As girls we have been raised to believe our appearance is the most important part of who we are.  It is what is used to measure our value. We are surrounded by images of "perfection." Our innocent and impressionable minds are molded by a society that had determined the only women of value are those that resemble a Victoria's Secret model. So we starve, and we workout, and we attempt to shrink ourselves to fit that mold. This message is so powerful and so forceful that it is drowning us. With the recent push of the body positive movement we are seeing a shift, but it's still superficial. Even as we learn to accept and appreciate the new message that "all shapes and sizes are beautiful," I think we still believe this message does not apply to us personally. We still desire to be what we have been told we need to be our whole lives. Thin. 

Every day I have to fight the urge to shame myself, to accept what I see in the mirror and to remember that I am not a body. I have a body, but I am not that body. I am my mind, my personality, my dreams my goals, my achievements. I am so much more than a pants size or a number on the scale. I am more than stretch marks, or fat rolls. 

I am on a mission to be healthy, to feel good, to be strong, and to love my body of what it is. I want to be active, I want to be fit. I like how I feel when I eat right,  and when I am active. So I want to continue those things. So why I am I doing this? To be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to look in the mirror and say "You are enough." 

I am working on my relationship with food. For me that means listening to my body. For years I counted and measured, and in some ways it did help me to recognize cravings, and when my body was full, and what foods made me feel good. But I don't want a life of measuring cups,  diet apps, and scales. I want an effortless life, where what I eat and how much I eat is dictated by my body. I really believe it should not be as complex as we make it. Our bodies know, and the reason we are struggling with weight, is because we are not listening to it. I know that is definitely the case for me. 

The struggle is real! It is hard to listen. It is difficult to stop overriding your mind and break years of bad habits. It is difficult to face emotional eating, and it is difficult to make new habits, but I want it. Why? Because I want to be happy. 

I encourage you to think about your "Why." To really assess where you are, and why you are there. Think about what you want, and why you want it. Are you happy? Are you enjoying your life? If not, why? I also encourage you to listen to your body. If it doesn't feel right, whatever "it" is, stop doing it.    You have one life. Just one. Make sure you are happy.