Digging Deep

It seems I've come full circle. If you have been following this blog you know the last year has been a bit of a struggle for me. I hit a wall and felt quite lost. I was feeling very confined by the walls I had built myself with my diet and exercise regimen. It had reached what I felt to be an unhealthy level, and I craved normalcy, and balance. I couldn't continue the way I was living.

The last year was full of soul searching and reading and thinking and crying and whining and  now I feel I have finally found a resolution of sorts.

So here I am back on the proverbial wagon. Working out, eating healthy and honestly feeling good. I'm in a happy place with my decision but getting here wasn't easy.

What I've learned and accepted about myself....

As hard as I try I cannot be happy with my body as it is. I honestly tried to fully immerse myself in the whole body positive movement,. I started following "plus size" models on Instagram instead of body builders, I read books and blogs on loving yourself and letting go of the idea of "perfect." And while all of this helped me find a little bit of comfort, it just didn't change years of messages to the contrary. I find that while I accept all body types and find so many bodies beautiful, the same acceptance I give others is simply not applying to me. Perhaps it is because the movement is still so slow to take hold, perhaps it is because there is a "type" of overweight that seems acceptable (curvy/hourglass with big boobs). Perhaps it simply too many years of society brainwashing me into believing that thin and airbrushed is the ideal. It's probably all of it, but it doesn't matter, the hard truth is I can't let it go, and I can't accept my body this way.

I am a control freak, I think deep down we all are in our own way. It's how I handle life, stress, uncertainty. While I cannot control most things, I can control what I eat which is part of my issue. When the world feels chaotic food is my go to remedy. I am an emotional eater. I attempted intuitive eating, but the truth is I was unprepared to allow my brain and body to guide me. I have screwed the system up so badly in the last 30 years that rewiring and learning to truly listen is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It is literally like asking a 3 year old to control their emotions. They hardly have a grasp on their world much less their reaction to it. I'm sure with time and therapy or something I could eventually get my shit together, but honestly it's faster and easier to "parent" myself and give myself guidelines and rules. Plus it feeds into my need to control which makes me feel calmer, so that's a bonus. When I was trying to be intuitive I felt out of control and I was always anxious. My goal is to figure out how to have a little more balance and give within my guidelines so that I don't end up where I was a year ago.

When I eat well and workout I feel so much better! I started trying to lose the extra 15 lbs I gained about a month ago and the first week I dropped 5 lbs, but then gained back 3 the second week. Then I just plateaued. I was pissed . I felt immediate defeat and frustration and the old feelings of guilt and resentment started to return. But I sat down and really looked at the last 3 weeks, while I hadn't lost the weight I hoped, I felt so much better. I felt healthier, calmer, and happier. So I kept going. Christmas came and basically squashed my sugar craving (like when your parents found you smoking and made you smoke the whole pack till you were sick). I was relieved when it was over and I realized, this is what I want. I want to feel healthy and happy.


How will it be different this time?

I don't care much about the scale. I don't even want to know what I weigh. I am going for a feeling, I want to feel strong, healthy, happy, in control of my life and my body. I also want to feel my pants getting looser. I want to see changes in my body, tightening and toning.

I am not expecting miracles. I know what I'm capable of, and I know what it takes to get myself where I want to be. That means I am realistic about what I am willing to do and what I am not.

I am setting realistic boundaries for myself and I can tell I'm less obsessed this time around. While the last year may not have caused a complete 180 shift for me, it was a huge step in the right direction for my mental health and helped give me some clarity.

#1 What do I want?

I want to to be fit, I want to be strong, I want to be happier with my body, and I want to feel more control in my life. I want to feel the way I did when I could buy new clothes without wanting to cry. I want to be able to keep up with my fit friends and I want to look good!

#2 Why?

To feel less anxious and depressed. To feel sexy, and happier with my body. To regain control of my life. To not be embarrassed when I go to the doctor, to not cry in her office because I'm disappointed in myself. To set a good example for my daughter and to help her create healthy habits for her life.

#3 How?

I will work out 4-6 times a week, mixing it up so I change myself and don't get bored. I will follow a 90/10 rule. 90% of what goes into my body will be healthy and whole, and I will leave 10% for the rest. I will work on cutting my sugar cravings, and continue to try and find other ways to reduce stress instead of turning to food.