Reflecting

This has been a crazy week at work. Ended yesterday at 3:00 with 60 hours. So happy to have things slow down at work. I'm still tired and trying  to catch up, taking a day off today to just breath.

I've been reflecting on things. The stress of work the last two week lead to a lot of eating/drinking things that are not good for me. Of course those things made me feel worse, but somehow I had myself convinced they were going to make me feel better... our brains are pretty interesting, the habits we have cultivated for ourselves are powerful. I have myself convinced that "comfort foods" will ease the stress when in reality they make me more tired and stress my body out more! But I somehow operate in direct opposition to what I know is good for me.

I know I am not speaking for myself alone when I say the relationship we have with for is often our biggest obstacle when we are trying to be healthy and/or lose weight. In a conversation with my husband I theorized that part of my issue is that I go fast and hard into an eating plan and I end up feeling deprived. Then I slide into old habits and start eating those foods I have deemed as "evil" or unacceptable, and I feel bad, both emotionally and physically, because I start to over indulge. Then I 180 right back into my health mode and it starts all over again. The cycle has been playing out like this for about a year now.

I am desperately trying to find some balance, and really figure out where I want to be. It's such a challenge. The body I want, and the eating habits I want to have aren't compatible, so it's been difficult to find stability and consistency.

What I do know is that deprivation doesn't work. If I feel deprived at some point I'm going to fall off the wagon. Overindulging doesn't work. I feel sick and sluggish and I gain weight of course. I want to be strong, I want to be fit. I want to run, hike, bike, and do burpees with ease. I want to feel strong, I want to feel like a woman warrior!

What I really want is for the guilt associated with food to end. I want to find that healthy balance we are all searching for. I never imagined the journey would be so long, and ongoing. I really thought after a certain amount of time I would simply be a new person, with new habits and I would just feel differently. And I do to some extent, but it's not the total transformation I expected. The journey continues as I change and grow, and life changes. Adapting to new situations, and the curve balls life throws you affects the journey. I think the key is to love yourself and be gentle with yourself. Accept where you are and work towards what you want  remembering that you are doing your best, and life can be hard. Be happy! Smile, enjoy your life. In the end I highly doubt any of us will look back and wish we'd fit into that size 5. I think we will look back and wish we'd had fun, wish we'd been present, wish we'd taken risks, and enjoyed the journey.