My honest confession...

I see so many things circulating on the internet about beauty. One article talks about embracing your body, your curves, your scars, your mommy tummy. The next article is about putting down your fork and finding your motivation to be uber fit. This mommy, and that mommy can still have six pack abs so what is your excuse? It's a tug of war between the genetically blessed and the rest of us. And no matter how many of these inspirational "love your scars" articles I read I can't hep but still want desperately to be perfect. No matter how many posts I see about how even models aren't perfect, how Photo Shop has deceived us all, I still want to be the girl in the magazine.

I know exactly why, I know that all girls have been brainwashed since the moment we first saw a magazine with a gorgeous perfect woman on the front, since we first saw a commercial with a beautiful flawless lady selling this product or that product. From the moment we first heard our mothers talk about dieting, or working out. Do I want the perfect body because I feel like it would be healthy? Hell no, it's about being sexy, being what the world has told us (women) we are supposed to be our whole lives. Do I want to be fit to be healthy? Yes, and there is a difference. Can I separate the two? Do I work out just to be healthy? Honestly....no. I work out to feel good about me. Working out releases endorphins. I feel amazing. I feel fit and healthy and wonderful. I feel so accomplish dafter every 5k, every 10k, every 3 mile run on the treadmill. And underneath that is the natural byproduct. People notice. My husband notices. I feel attractive, I feel beautiful, which in turn also makes me feel good about me. Is this a bad thing? I don't know, regardless it's the way it works.

Should we embrace the idea that we are so immeshed in this cesspool of women needing to be perfect and beautiful, of good looks being highly valued in a woman? Of course not! But can we escape it? Not really. So what do we do? As shallow as it may sound as a product of my experience swimming through the cesspool I cannot embrace my saggy mommy belly. No matter how many articles I read I cannot see it as beautiful. Maybe one day when all the models are flaunting their saggy belly after pregnancy I will start to feel it's not the ugly bag that it is. But let's be honest, it's not pretty.

Armed with knowledge I have made a compromise with myself. I will embrace my best efforts. I will embrace as good as it gets. I will keep my expectations in a realistic zone, and I will be happy with the outcome from doing my best and trying my hardest. I will not beat myself up, I will not starve myself, or strive for perfection. I will never be a Victoria's secret model, an that is ok. Very very few women are. I will feel beautiful, because I am beautiful. Will I still envy perfect bodies? Yes. Will I let it tear me down and make me feel bad about me? No. I will work out for me, I will lose weight to be the best me I can be. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel sexy. Nothing wrong with wanting to be better and reach a little higher, the problem comes when we let it break us down or make us feel bad about ourselves. So you embrace yourself however you want. Embrace whatever makes you feel good, and happy with who your are. Find your compromise. I think life is a journey in learning to love ourselves. And we are al in different places in that journey. This is where I am, where are you?

Back on track!

The holidays are over!! Time to drop the fudge and get my ass back in gear. Goal: lose 20 lbs by graduation (May 18th). I reset My Fitness Pal to lose 1 lbs per week, I am committed.. (I hope).

Yesterday I made it to the gym 32 minutes on the Cybex Arc trainer. That thing is killer. I swear it's more of a work out than running at this point. Today I seriously don't feel like going to the gym so I am going to do some fabulous workouts I found on Pinterest my other favorite website :) Remember you can follow my boards here http://www.pinterest.com/courtneylee84/ .

This is today's workout

followed by this....

which will be followed by this

Get off the couch and do it with me!! 

At least I'm working out right??

This week has been an uphill battle. Gingerbread Monday, donuts Tuesday, and lets not even talk about all the fudge, cinnamon roles, and cheese danishes from last week. Just maintaining has been a miracle. I always start the day with the best intentions and things head south by noon. I have managed to go to the gym almost every day which has been super helpful. I will be so thankful when this wonderful holiday season is over. Come on January 1st!

Sledding down a fudge hill

The holidays can kiss me fat ass. And they should have no trouble finding it because seriously it's not getting any smaller. I love Christmas, it is my very favorite holiday. But unfortunately Christmas doesn't  love me back. Not the way I would like anyway. The fudge loves me, and the gingerbread, and the salted Carmel Hot Chocolate. Christmas is a sweets lovers worst nightmare. Especially when you are attempting not to gain weight. As I slide each piece of fudge in my mouth I mentally shame myself and add 20 more minutes to my workout. In the moment it's totally worth it, but later I feel guilt. Gooey chocolate induced guilt. I promised myself I would not gain over the holidays, so far I have lost and gained the same 4 lbs over and over. I am determined not to breech 170. I want to start 2014 where I left off, and pick up my weight loss January 1. It's a modest doable goal, any time of the year except now.Now it's like climbing Everest, if Everest was a giant pile of cookies, and other holiday goodies. I took the time to calculate out the calories in one batch of my home made fudge... over 6,000 calories... holy freaking cow! I broke that batch up into 48 pieces, but if you eat 24 of those pieces in one week... hello 3 lbs I though I lost! How lovely to see you again resting on my gut.

Ugh, self control where the hell did you go? You can't just vacation over Christmas! need you!

Lost a little

So excited! It seems the break I took from the hard core dieting helped. This week I am down 4 lbs, now in reality it was probably water weight and other various factors I didn't actually control, but still yay! 168.4 this morning :)

Feeling motivated... I can do this!

Two days down...

Day one and two back on the program are complete... and thank God. The longer I go the easier it will get right? The dark, cold weather is making it super hard to stick to it. That and the alluring holiday treats EVERYWHERE. I stayed in my calorie range the first day ( 100 over the second day) but I went to the gym both days 3.8 mile run, arms and abs Sunday, 3 miles yesterday evening. Today the plan is to actually stick to my calorie count and to do a bit of running and legs. Wish me luck! If you are feeling energetic you should do it too! One mile on the treadmill to warm up, and then this....

Back on the weight loss wagon

My genius plan was to relax a little, let the weight loss thing go for a while, and just revel in my success. Sadly it seems it's harder to just maintain than I hoped. If I am not actively trying to lose, I tend to eat total crap and gain. I am 3 lbs up from my lowest 169. Which sucks because just last week I was down to 169, and now I am up 3 lbs?? How does that even happen. I know I didn't eat 9,000 calories over my weekly allowance (assuming around 3000 calories per pound). I always feel like it definitely takes less food to gain than to lose. It sucks!

So before I let this get out of hand I am getting back on my weight loss plan. I have given my body about 2 months to rest and reset so I am crossing my fingers that hitting the plan hard again will show results. I was on a major plateau which was super frustrating. That is why I decided a hiatus would be best.

But no more! I am getting serious. I refuse to gain weight this holiday season just to feel fat and self loathing by new years. I will be lighter by new years than I am today ( even if it is only by 5 lbs). I will not allow the holidays to ruin my hard work.

Here's to kicking fats ass! Wish me luck!