Love who I have become

 

I love this quote right now. For me this is only too true. College is finally ending, I am graduating in 10 weeks, just 10 weeks! I have worked long and hard for this and I am so excited to be done, and to have accomplished what I set out to accomplish. Anyone who has attempted school with kids knows it can be a nightmare, it's challenging and exhausting, and some days you don't know how you will make it through. But I am graduating with honors, and I am so proud of myself. I fought hard for this. On top of that I have succeeded in losing 30lbs since last May and 100lbs since the birth of my little princess. And even though it is not my ultimate goal it is a huge milestone and I feel accomplished in that. When I look at the person I am today, the mom, the wife, the woman I am proud of what i have become, and anyone who has known me for more than 5 years knows I have fought hard to become this woman. When I was married to my ex husband I had so much potential that was being wasted in unhappiness and the moment we parted ways I could feel myself flourishing. My husband today has been a huge part of my growth and success. He has supported me and allowed me to chase after my dreams and my goals. I am proud of my strength, and my willpower. Weight loss is a hard battle, and creating a health active life is a challenge. I was never a runner, I hated running, but in the last year I have become a runner! I am thrilled with this! I always wanted to be a runner and now I am! 

In the last 5 years I have transformed myself and my life to such an extent that I don't think people who missed out on those 5 years would recognize me anymore, and that is amazing. That makes me happy. I was not who I wanted to be, and so I took a leap of faith and changed everything. It was hard, and it was scary, but it was so worth it. 

I love who I have become, because I have fought hard to come her. 

Summer body here I come

Under 170 again! It's been like 2 months and yet in one week I am down 3 lbs and back under 170. Seriously even this little bit of progress has motivated me to keep it up. I feel enthusiastic again and optimistic that I can do this! I have already run 8 miles tho sweet, the goal is 8 more by Sunday. I pinned this picture the other day under Body Inspiration, this is my summer body. I mean my goal summer body. It will happen people! I can do this!! Can't you just feel the sunshine….

Little victories

Somehow I woke up 2lbs lighter than I have been in 2 weeks! This after going over my calories by quite a bit this week. I am thrilled and confused all at the same time. It definitely was motivating though. I have decided I never should have stopped running. I spent the last two days getting my butt back on gear and I think it was a mistake to ever stop running. So 2 maybe 3 days of weights per week and at least 3 days of running followed by one yoga day. That's the plan!

I stopped by a bakery today and had the most amazing chocolate filled croissant, and I bought an almond pastry too, there were just too many choices. But I am practicing an exercise in self control and saving the second pastry for tomorrow.

This week I ran a total of  9 miles!

Monday: Running outside @11.5 minute mile 26 minutes

Tuesday: Walking 3.0 mph 60 minutes

Strength Training	Sets	Reps/Set	Weight/Set
smith machine squats	2	8	70
Kettle bell swings	3	20	20
dumbbell chest press	3	12	25
lunges	3	20	40
smith machine calves	3	15	70
Leg Raises, Hanging	3	10
Triceps Pull-down	3	10	6
flat dumbbell bench press

Wednesday: Rest day

Thursday: 22 minutes on the ARC trainer followed by 10 minutes of HIIT

Friday: 4 miles @ 10 minute mile

Saturday: 3 miles @ 10 minute mile

Night Eater

This is my biggest problem. I am a night eater. I do great all day and at night I have to exercise more self control than ever. I used to compensate by eating less during the day so I had most of my calories left at night time, but lately that's been harder than usual. I get on Pinterest and search food (I know bad idea). Then of course all I can think about is food! I watch TV and I want to ugh on something. It's a nightmare. Last night I was able to fight my inner cookie monster and I avoided the last three cookies. I stopped eating after dinner. I was so proud of me! What is the hardest food part of your day? 

Not giving up

This morning I ran. I ran 4 miles and I feel great! I met a friend at the gym and she helped keep me motivated to meet my goal. I told myself I was going to do 4 miles and I did it. I sucked it up and just did it.

Here's the thing with weight loss and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, it's a life long process. There is no end point, you can't just say I will get to this "point" and I can stop. You have to make the effort every single day for the rest of your life. You will have bad days/ week/ or even months. Hell you may have bad years.  I know I have. Life is going to get stressful, and if you are like me (or 90% of America) you will reach for that box of donuts, that bag of Cheetos, that bowl of candy, and you will pig out. You will eat to suppress because that is what your brain is trained to do. It has been hard work attempting to retrain my brain, and it's not a 100% process. Although I think people don't really like to see food as an addiction it is. It is because it stimulates the reward center in your brain, certain foods (carbs) even promote the production of serotonin in your brain which is one of your happy chemicals. Biologically sugar and bread and pasta make you happy! Trying to convince your brain after years of happy eating that really healthy foods will make you happier, really a run or a walk with a friend will make you happier is HARD and there are setbacks.

My problem lately (for the past 4 months) has been a lack of progress followed by a defeatist attitude and then a slow slide downhill into just giving up. Not seeing results made me feel like it wasn't worth it. The holiday food was just to hard to pass up, and then stress really kicked in and it all went to hell.

This is the cycle. You get motivated, you lose weight, you feel great, then you plateau and you start to slide backwards. Then eventually you get back up and do it all over again. Usually that "eventually" is after gaining back half or all of what you lost. This time I caught myself before I made a huge mistake.

The whole point of this blog for me was to document, to share, to help motivate, but also to be honest and real about the struggle. It is not easy, and sometimes it is not fun. Some days it doesn't even feel worth it. But I keep trying. I hope if you follow this blog you take it for what it is, a personal journey. I will have setbacks, I will fall off the "wagon." I will not always be inspiring. I will complain, and I may have weeks of disappointment. This is real life. I am not a personal trainer, or health expert, I am not a workout guru, or nutritionist, I am just a person who got tired of being fat and wanted to make a change. I struggle every single day with this even when I seem to be doing great.

I guess what I am trying to say is, it's ok to have bumps in the road, it's ok to struggle, it's ok to cry and piss and moan and its ok to eat shit sometimes. It's hard to stick to a goal with no end. I feel your pain and I know your struggle, I have been there, I am still there. Take it one day at a time, acknowledge the small victories. It's a long road ahead.

Turning point

As I stood in my kitchen tonight stuffing just 2 more cookies in my mouth, adding up to a total of 8, I mentally took a step back and thought wow... This is gross. Is this who I have become again? This person I worked so hard not to be for the last 9 months? Have I seriously sunk this low that I have lost all will power, all self control, that I will eat just two more cookies even though I feel like I may puke up the ones I already ate?

This is what eating your stress looks like, and it's ugly. It's ugly  and depressing and I want out. We hit a very big bump in our lives recently. Big changes are coming in all directions and anyone who knows me knows I'm pretty uptight about change. These changes are unpredictable and frankly I am stressed the f&$@ out. My body is so run down from the constant worry that I am exhausted even when I get a full nights sleep. I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I'm run down  and worn out to the max. The daily grind is also wearing me out, and adding to my loss of motivation.

I see myself slipping back into a very sad place with food, and my weight and I don't like it at all.

I was happy  when I was eating right, I had energy, I felt good and I felt light. I feel heavy and sluggish now, I feel gross and unhappy. That has to stop.

I did it before and I can do it again. I can find the willpower in me before it's too late, before I undo everything I worked so hard for.

So this is it, my ultimatum to me, put down the cookie or else.... Or else you will be sad, or else you will feel sick, or else you will feel guilty and you will allow food to control you. Get over yourself and get on with your life. Yes things are stressful but this is not the healthy way to deal with that. Gaining weight will only make you more stressed and unhappy.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will find my motivation and toss the cookies.

Someone pass the stale donuts....

Totally honest- this has been a shitty week for me. I am overwhelmed, exhausted and run down. I, like most of you am attempting to figure out how manage weight loss (or just being healthy) in times of stress and chaos. It's not going well.

This week alone I ate enough crap for 2 months of cheat days. We started the week off with chocolate chip cookies (a dozen consumed by just me). Then I took my kids to see a movie, which simply cannot be done without movie theater popcorn, my weakness. I rounded that off with more girl scout cookies (I ate half a box last week), and like 20 Dove mini's. I feel like there was a donut or two in there but that may have been last week. It's so hard to keep track.

To offset all that junk I went to the gym, but I am failing at that too. I am so over the gym, so over the cold, so over the bla routine of the treadmill, the elliptical and the bike. I am struggling to get to the gym most every day. Today for instance I spent 4 hours on my ass doing school work, and I have zero motivation to go to the gym. I was so hoping it would be warm enough to run outside, but it's a bit too chilly for this wimp.

I realized this week I am not doing emotional eating so much as being too emotional to give a shit what I am eating. I am not smothering feelings in nacho cheese so much as saying screw this shit. Weight loss takes dedication, motivation, thought, planning, patience and determination of which I have almost zero right now. I've all but lost my give a darn. This is truth people. Raw honest truth. Sometimes you just don't care anymore. Sometimes you are too tired to make an effort. For those of you who have seen  5 year engagement we have reached the stale donuts in a bunny suit phase. For real. I wonder where I can pick up a giant pink bunny suit....

Just keep swimming...

The last few days I have been working on just trying to get my ass to the gym. This winter is killing me. I am so over the snow, the cold, and the gym. I want to be outside! I want to run through the park, and get back on the mountain trails. Thinking about weight loss right now is exhausting. I am just so busy with school, kids, household crap, husband etc. I tried taking a step back to really assess my eating, and I am trying now to listen more to my body. Eat the foods I know I should be eating, and when my body says "you are full" stopping. I feel like I am at an impasse, I can't give up because I don't want to gain weight, so I have to keep trudging forward even when I don't feel like it, even when I don't feel like it is working. Even if I am not seeing results on the scale I know I am doing my best and I feel stronger and I feel good. This little quote really hits hope right now.

Monday: 
15 minute elliptical warm up
Quad extensions (3 sets of 8 @ 70lbs)
Leg curls (3 sets of 8 @ 70lbs)
Quad push (3 sets of 10 @ 85lbs)
Hanging leg arises (3 sets of 10)
Standing calf raises (2 sets of 15 @ 50lbs)
15 minutes circuit- 10 burpees; 15 squats; 1 min jump rope; 20 kettle-bell swings (20lbs) ; 10 super mans; 1 min plank; (x 3)

Tuesday: 30 minutes on the ARC trainer and 20 minutes running @ 6.3.

Wednesday: REST DAY

Thursday: 
8 minute warm up on the row machine
Quad extensions (3 sets of 8 @ 65lbs)
Smith machine squats (3 sets of 8 @ 50lbs)
Half bridge side abductions (2 sets of 10)
Tricep press down (3 sets of 10 @ level 7)
Kettle bell swing (3 sets of 20 @ 20 lbs)
Barbell Bicep Curl ( 3 sets of 8 @ 40lbs)
Plank (2 minute)
Lat pull down ( 3 sets of 10 @ 65lbs)
Dumb bell chest press (3 set sets of 10 @ 25lbs)
Dumb bell shoulder press (3 sets of 8 @ 20lbs)

Friday: 
25 minutes on the elliptical level 9
circuit- 10 burpees; 10 squats; 15 kettle-bell swings (25lbs); 10 super mans; 1 minute jump rope; 1 minute plank; (x2)

Killer work out

I met with a trainer a few days ago, and realized one thing for sure, I was not working out hard enough. In my defense I was trying, just not really knowing how to challenge my body. I was pretty sure one more set would kill me. Today I am going back to the gym to do it again!

*Smith Machine squats 3 sets 8 reps the most weight you can do.
  10 pushups between each set

*20 lunges (10 per leg) with a 30lbs barbell
  kettle bell thrusts in between sets

Circuit:
10 burpees (go all the way to the floor)
15 squats (go past parallel)
10 supermans
jump rope 1 min
1 minute plank

rest/repeat 3x

This workout doesn't take long but it is a killer and I was sore for 2 days.

Also on the health front I think I figured out why I haven't been seeing results. My thyroid numbers shot back up again, so we have adjusted my medication fingers crossed I start to see some weight loss!