The 5 steps in the cupcake grieving process

I recently let myself really go. I gained back 8 lbs. I was the heaviest I had been in 3 years so I turned my shit around and got my butt back in gear. I noticed right away a pattern that I have gone through each time I really recommit to this fitness thing.

The first step is always anger. I am angry that I have to give up foods I have been scarfing down for weeks. I am angry that food even has calories, angry I have to work at this, angry I wasn't born naturally thin, angry I even have to care at all what I look like. The anger comes and goes for a while. This anger is accompanied by stress. It is difficult to determine if the stress is a symptom or simply something I already experience, and am now suddenly more aware of since I can't eat it away. My theory is that it is a combination of both. Tracking and counting and obsessing over my diet and fitness level is stressful! I am also a stress eater, so the stress in my life becomes so apparent when I stop self medicating with food.

The next step is rationalization. I begin to rationalize the idea of giving up. I come up with a million reasons why this whole thing is silly, and how it really isn't worth my sanity. If I died tomorrow would I think, " Wow I am so glad I spent all that time stressing and obsessing over my weight so I didn't die fat! Or would I think, "Damn it I should have eaten those cupcakes! I will never get to taste a cupcake ever again."

Then I examine. I start to determine the cause of all of my issues with food, and societies issues with food and weight. I theorize and conceptualize. I have deep lengthy conversations about how screwed up society has made us all with my husband, my friends, anyone who will listen really.

This is followed by a long period of complacency where I simply follow my plan with robotic surrender. I refuse foods, and activities that involve the possibility of over indulging.

It is hard to determine where I find the most happiness really. I enjoy being fit. I feel good when I work out regularly. I feel good when I eat good food. But I also love delicious food that is bad for me. I like being able to just relax and have a beer or a slice of pizza. I don't enjoy watching my ass grow or my legs turn into cellulite sticks. I don't enjoy seeing my pants get tighter. Initially losing weight and reaching my goals made me very happy, but these days it feels like a chore. I dread it. I am getting to a point where I literally hate every second of it.

And you know what I hate most? When people say "It's not a diet. It's a life style change." As I said to a friend the other day, it is a diet! It is a type of diet. Your diet consists of the food you eat. You could have a diet of wine and krispie kreme donuts. Or you could have a healthy diet. Either way this is a diet. I personally would prefer the donut diet.

I was hoping that I could change my mind. Change my views. Alter the way my brain felt about food. I worked hard for 3 years trying to change my thinking, and I have succeeded in that a bit. I am more educated about my health. I know exactly what I need to do, and what is good and what is bad. But even after 3 years I have not succeeded in changing my mind about pizza, or cake, or burgers, or fries. So this is it. This is the struggle. Forever. Every day, day in and day out. My whole life is simply going to consist of fighting the urge to eat what I want.

I also have not succeeded in convincing myself that I am doing this for my health. Sorry. I just don't care. I am doing this for one reason- to be skinny. I am doing all of this to be attractive. End of story.

I would love to leave you with some inspiring words, but I don't have any today. If you can relate to this post, then I feel I have at least succeeded in being real.

What Works

Finally sticking to a plan and being consistent for more than a week, and guess what? It's working!

Since Christmas I have dropped 9 pounds! Honestly I'm not doing things too differently than I was before. Just a few little tweaks made all the difference.

If you look at the chart below you can see my average calorie intake for the last 90 days. Obviously the last 30 days have been much more focused and consistent than the 60 days prior. There were days I didn't keep an accurate log and days I didn't log at all. I definitely had days where I ate much more, and days where I ate way less. But just looking at the report it seems that consistency is really key. It is important to note, that aside from the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas I was maintaining my weight.

I stick to a calorie count of between 1800-2100 almost every day, and then every 3 or 4 days I increase to about 2400. But I think equally important to the calorie count is what I eat. I increased my protein consumption quite a bit and again I have been fairly consitent. The research says more protein will help you lose weight and build muscle... so far that is proving to be 100% accurate.

I also want to point out my activity level. I really dropped it quite a bit in November, and I wasn't keeping an accurate log. But you can see in the last 30 days I have been more consistent and more active. I have added weight training into my routine, and some HIIT. I think my body is really responding to the changes. I work out 4-6 times per week. 

Last thing I want to point out is that I have increased my water intake as well and I am really pushing myself to get 8-9 cups a day. 

An average day for me looks like this.... 

Breakfast

2 eggs and 1 eggs white scrambled with a whole wheat english muffin and a tsp of butter

coffee and creamer

or 

Oatmeal with brown sugar, cinnamon, and pecans

or 

Quinoa porridge with brown sugar and cinnamon

Snack

Avocado egg salad

or

Cottage cheese and fruit

or

Plain greek yogurt and fruit

Lunch

Varies, but usually some form of meat and a veggie

Snack

Protein Shake and a banana or an orange

Dinner

Varies 

Snack

Cottage cheese

or 

Greek Yogurt

or 

Terra Chips 

or 

Fruit

I don't always snack after dinner, sometimes I snack before dinner or eliminate that last snack altogether. I try to listen to my body and eat when I am hungry. Like I said I stick to 1800-2100 calories per day.

So lesson... eat more protein!! Be consistent about calories, and exercise, and drink more water. 

Food is 80%

I feel like the biggest stumbling block with weigh gloss is food. Not just the wanting to eat it, but trying to just figure out what the heck to eat. Going to Google for information can be the most confusing and frustrating process EVER. I know I have had several posts on this before, but it's the biggest part of reaching our goals. 80% of your weight loss efforts hinge on your diet. Only 20% is about working out.

I have read so much information and honestly the advice has been all over the place. But I have found a few consistencies.

1. You don't have to stop eating carbs. Your body needs carbs, just feed your body the right kinds of carbs.

2. You have to eat more protein. You should aim for 1 gram of protein per lbs of body weight minus a few grams. For instance if you are 150 lbs, you need to eat 125 grams of protein a day. That is ALOT. Way more than most people are used too. But if you are working out regularly (and lifting weights not just cardio- you cannot rely on cardio alone!!) you need to feed your body adequate amounts of protein.

3. You should eat fruit, but less than you think. Fruit is sugar. Fruit will turn to glucose and could possibly be stored as fat. 2-3 servings a day is plenty.

4. If it's not a starchy veggie, it' free game. That's right if you get really hungry eat as much spinach, green beans, brussels sprouts, etc. that you want. Corn is not a veggie, it is a grain, don't fool yourself. and potatoes are a carb, not veggies.

5. Low fat is not good for you. Low fat usually means super processed. Just eat the regular fat items. your body actually needs fat, your brain needs fat to function correctly. Eating foods with fat is not the reason you get fat. Eating unhealthy sugary, deep fried, foods is what makes you fat. Eating WAY more than your body needs to function is what makes you fat.

Wanna see what fit women are eating.... Check out these blogs

She eats between 1600-1800 calories a day, and yes she eats carbs.

http://www.popsugar.com/fitness/40-Pound-Weight-Loss-Story-34447268

This fit lady eats over 2000 calories a day an look at that protein 128 grams....

http://corinanielsen.com/livefit/?page_id=872

7 meals a day, lots of protein...

http://www.trimmedandtoned.com/weight-loss-inspiration-to-sculpted-bikini-competitor-terica-messmer-talks-with-tt/

Read these books!! I am currently reading Hers 360 and plan to purchase Strong is the new Skinny this weekend. 

Loving Yourself

Today I was thinking about the reasons we choose to lose weight. I think for many people the desire is to be thin, to be perceived as attractive, by themselves, by their peers. To be beautiful by whatever standards they are measuring themselves. The world tends to be a harsh judge and the motivation to lose many times comes more from self loathing, than from a desire to be healthy and strong.

I think for me it is a mix of both. It is almost impossible to ignore the world. To ignore the images around you, and not feel inadequate. My weight loss journey certainly did not begin as a desire to be healthy, and honestly it still isn't. Am I proud that my resting heart rate is 45? Hell yeah! Am I proud that I can run, and lift weights? Heck yes! I am thrilled with the strength I have gained, and the progress I have made regarding my health. I have two beautiful children that I want to see grow, and I hope to be a kick ass healthy grandma one day.

But that is not why I do this. This is just plain old honesty. I do this to feel good about myself. I do this to feel beautiful. I wish I could say it was about strength and health. That certainly sounds more inspiring.

Because this is my motivation it is difficult not have bad days, days where I beat myself up over 100 extra calories. Days where I feel guilt for not working out, days where I look in the mirror and feel deflated, and unsatisfied with my progress. Some of this is due to my goal driven personality. I tend to have an all or nothing style. I jump in with both feet and have high expectation of myself.

Despite all of this I am a very confident person. I feel good about who I am. I feel pretty proud of what I see in the mirror. I know I can do better. I know I am capable of so much more. I just need to make it happen. My disappointment in myself comes from the knowledge that I didn't do my best. I didn't give it my all. I have come to accept my stretch marks. I have come to accept a little sagging skin. It is what it is.

I am sharing this with you to say it's ok. It's ok to say I do this to feel beautiful. Just be careful. Your worth, my worth, is not tied to our weight. Your value is not based on a number on the scale, or your pants size.

You are beautiful, you are strong, You are capable of more than you know. I guess what I am saying is, don't wait until you are the "perfect" size to love yourself. Love who you are now. Loving yourself doesn't have to mean accepting the weight you are now. Loving yourself, can simply mean loving who you are in spite of your perceived flaws. Loving your smile, your laugh, your personality, your talents, your gifts. We should always be striving for growth and change. Strive to change the things you don't like, but love yourself through the change.

Why We Track

Looking back through old posts this morning and saw something that caught my eye. In August I was down to 34" waist, but still at 167. My waist is back up again to 36" (dang it). But this made me curious, what on earth was I doing in August that was working so well? I went back on to MyFitnessPal (thank goodness for tracking) and I went through July and August looking at food and exercise. I was eating between 1800-2300 calories on any given day, and I was maybe working out 30 -40 minutes a day max. Now it was summer and I think there were many walks and hikes that I didn't log during that time so I am unsure if this is completely accurate. But assuming I did track everything since I am kind of a tracking freak, it looks like the key component was carbs. I netted around 160-200 grams of carbs a day but none of that came from white flour, white rice, or any refined carbs.

I literally ate fruit, veggies, and meat 95% of the time. There was no brown rice, no quinoa, bread, nothing like that. The most carb filled item I ate was sweet potatoes. I had just started the 21 day fix program so I was using this workouts, combined with occasional hiking and evening walks with the kids. But that's it.

So three things I guess- one eat only healthy carbs, mostly from fruit and veggies, with the occasional brown rice, quinoa, or oats. Two, 21 Day Fix works, and three, TRACK YOUR PROGRESS.

I have been tracking for almost two years. Yes it can be exhausting, but it is so important! Not only does it keep you accountable, it helps you to clearly see what is working and what is not, and that information is priceless.

Doing the Math

1. start with 655 calories 
2. multiply your weighting lbs by 4.3 
3. multiply your height in inches by 4.7 
4. add lines 1-3 together. 
5. multiply your age by 4.7 
6. subtract line 5 from line 4.This is your RMR. 
7. factor in your activity level. 1.2 x your BMR for sedentary, 1.375 x your RMR if you do light exercise one to three days a week 1.55 x your RMR if you are moderately active three to five times per week, and last 1.725 if you work out hard 6-7 days per week.

I found this calculation in a book called Strong is the New Skinny. This caluctaion will help you determine your resting metabolic rate and then the calories you could consume in one day and maintain your current weight. 

After a little research I discovered this 

"The activity factors for the Calorie Restriction Calculator are:

1.200 = sedentary (little or no exercise) 1.375 = lightly active (light exercise/sports 1-3 days/week, approx. 590 Cal/day) 1.550 = moderately active (moderate exercise/sports 3-5 days/week, approx. 870 Cal/day) 1.725 = very active (hard exercise/sports 6-7 days a week, approx. 1150 Cal/day) 1.900 = extra active (very hard exercise/sports and physical job, approx. 1580 Cal/day)

The activity factor lightly active corresponds to walking 2 hours per day, moderately active corresponds to walking 3 hours per day, very active corresponds to walking 4 hours per day, and extra active corresponds to walking 5 hours per day (20 miles). More strenuous exercises, such as climbing stairs or running, burn more calories per hour. Most people who exercise from 30 minutes to 45 minutes per day are in the "lightly active" category. You can use the CR calculator to determine the number of calories for each level of exercise for your particular weight by subtracting the calories for a specific activity level from the calories for the sedentary option."

(Found here http://fitness.stackexchange.com/questions/13725/what-activity-level-should-i-choose-in-calorie-calculators)

It is important to choose the correct activity level. I originally chose moderate, but i sit at a desk all day and only work out at most an hour a day but many times less. I feel like my workout is moderate, but my definition of moderate is not the same as theirs. This can be where many people go wrong. 

My numbers led me to an RMR of 1551

With my activity level I am at between 2133-2404 to maintain. I have been eating around 2200-2300 and maintaining so I know this is pretty accurate. 

Armed with this information I have cut my calories to 1800 per day. I did 1900 for the first week to help myself adjust since I had been eating so much more, and now I am down to 1800. 

Hope this is helpful! 

Crock Pot Dinners

There were a few requests of the recipes I am using this week. Below are the links!

Salsa Verde Chicken Soup: http://www.chelseasmessyapron.com/slow-cooker-salsa-verde-chicken-soup/

Sweet Potato Quinoa Chicken Soup: http://www.chelseasmessyapron.com/slow-cooker-sweet-potato-chicken-and-quinoa-soup/

Sausage White Bean Kale Soup: http://sharedappetite.com/recipes/rustic-tuscan-style-sausage-white-bean-and-kale-soup/