Attempting to eat at my BMR level (1511 calories) is pure torture. I am hungry, I am grumpy, I am exhausted because my body isn't getting enough food. This causes me to binge later in the evening when I just can't take it anymore. I simply can't... no... I won't do it. I have to go to school, I have to function, and learn, and my brain has to actually encode information. I can't be preoccupied thinking about how hungry I am. I can't be falling asleep in class because I am famished.
No energy also means I have zero desire to work out, and that is not going to work. I spent most of yesterday feeling angry and bitter about weight loss, and that is not how I want to live my life. If I am that miserable it's not f$%^ing worth it.
I can't starve. I shouldn't have to starve. I will not starve. I am going to stick with my plan from the 360 book. I told myself I was going to give it at least 30 days, and I haven't done that yet. I am going to do it.
I just don't have the time to make myself crazy about this anymore. I am so busy and worried about so many other things I can't let my weight be the focus of my life right now. I will eat healthy. I will work out hard. But I cannot obsess. I have been obsessing. That's what we do right? As women especially we obsess over our weight until we just want to puke. It's infuriating and exhausting. Well I've had enough. The saddest part is it's not something you can just dismiss. You can't not think about it. Once you start the battle you can't just "let it go."
Now I have developed an irrational fear that if I am not trying to lose weight I will gain it all back. I literally am driving myself insane over this. I am so over it.
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