No seriously... I was waiting in the uncomfortable blue Kaiser chairs that were way too close together with 4 other women. The chairs are shoved in a tight rectangle, and each woman is sitting as far from the other as possible trying to look preoccupied with their phone, or some horrible doctors office magazine, but we all know why we are there. It's like waiting in line for the bathroom in public, don't fool yourself, we all know what's about to happen.
As if the gynecologist isn't bad enough, they go through the motions like any other check up, temp, blood pressure, and yes, the scale...
I tentatively step on the scale, and cringe as the numbers stare back at me on the little monitor. Those evil red numbers glare at me screaming "put down the fork."
When the nurse leaves the room I undress, and look in the mirror they so nicely provide, so this is what 199 lbs looks like. I put on the lovely smock and wait. And there it is on the wall next to the STD and pregnancy pamphlets, "BMI Chart." I scan the chart 5,7" normal weight 128-159. No biggie, I'm only 40 lbs over the fattest I'm allowed to be. I am trying to remember back to a time when I was in fact 159. Maybe 9 years ago before I got pregnant with my son. And I thought I was fat then. Good grief.
The doctor comes in, she is super pleasant, she makes small talk in an attempt to make the appointment less awkward and uncomfortable. I complain about how hard weight loss is. I tell her I work out a lot and I have been really trying, that's when she says it, "working it is for your heart, diet if for weight loss."
I've heard this a million times, "abs are made in the kitchen" and other stupid sayings I hate. I want so badly to believe excersize is the key and I don't have to give up cupcakes, and pizza. She tells me about a fitness tracker app I can try. Yeah ok.
But on my way home I can't stop thinking about how out of control I have let myself get. I keep thing of all those inspirational quotes I post on Pinterest all the time, and all those hard bodies in the health and fitness section. I pin those too, and to be fair I have tried lots of the exercise I pinned. I want to be that, I want to be thin. I'm so tired of hating everything I try on, hating shopping, hating mirrors, and avoiding the glass windows as I pass them on the street. I'm tired of thinking of myself as the girl with the pretty face, the one who might be hot is she just dropped 50 lbs. I hate thinking this is it, I'm destined to be a frumpy out of shape mom, and why? Because I freakin love food! Who doesn't love food.
And we live in culture obsessed with it. Every other commercial is about food. I have often complained to my husband about how unfair our culture is to women. We are surrounded by pictures of perfect hard bodies, in every ad, on every magazine, and in that same ad they are selling haagen-dazs ice cream. And the ad's are quite alluring and creative, dove chocolate sells you with the idea that it's your moment, your tranquil peaceful blissful moment. The thin model takes a bite of the chocolate and smiles, and all you can think is, "I bet she didn't eat for a week before this commercial." They sell food to us like sex, and then shame us for being fat and over eating. Portions are out of control, we are served enough for for 4 people on one plate at any given restaurant. As women we see this schizophrenic portrayal and we fight our whole lives against it. We obsess from the time we are able to realize fat is ugly. We starve, we purge, we work out till we drop. Or we give in and eat ourselves silly, then we cry about being fat and console ourselves with a nice big piece of chocolate cake.
Some people have attempted to fight against the machine by embracing being overweight, being obese. I see the logic, but I think they are fighting the wrong fight. Why? Because losing weight is hard freaking work. Its not fun. And many of us have a very unhealthy relationship with food, including yours truly. I told my husband recently that I was exhausted, I was so tired of obsessing over the food I put in my mouth, tired of feeling guilty about eating. I have been worrying over my weight since I was ten years old. I'm freaking exhausted. And that's true, but what's also true is that it is hard, and I love food. I find joy and comfort in a nice slice of pizza or a chocolate cupcake, a bar of dark chocolate, a Qudoba burrito, mac n cheese, a brownie, a cookie. The list is endless.
The thought of giving all that up, feels like torture some days, it feels like depravation, and not just of food, but of an emotional crutch. I stress eat. It's not just about giving up the food, it's about giving up my coping mechanism and making new healthy ones. And no matter how many times you say it's a life style change, it's still a diet. And dieting sucks. The real fight we should be having is with society, our society and the way we view food, and the way we over feed and over eat. We shouldn't embrace obesity, we should fight against the machine. But that's easier said than done really.
I am considered obese. When I tell people that, they look at me like I'm crazy, but being 40+ lbs overweight is considered obese. My BMI is 30.8. I would love to pretend I can embrace this, but I know deep down it's not working for me. I want to be a nice healthy sexy weight. I want to feel good about myself. Don't we all?
So it begins, the weight loss journey, and because there is no easy way to loose weight, no matter what you may read in other places, I'm doing it the hard way.
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